"I can see the love you have for her in your eyes," a former roommate of Sue's once said to Brian. It was so true, and he loved hearing things like this.

Brian was a gentle, 32 year-old man who was actually having his first relationship as an adult. He had never been with anybody before due to social anxiety, Avoidant Personality Disorder (in which he would avoid interaction out of deep fear of hurting someone or being abandoned), learning disorder, and seizures secondary to a brain injury. Truthfully, he had limited human interaction growing up. With this woman showing an interest in him, it was extremely exciting and he wanted to do well by her...and hopefully be different then others who might have hurt her. He knew that if he was ever in a relationship, he would be good to the person. He despises men who brag about their 'conquests', treating women like objects. There were a few other opportunities, but Suzanne was the first that Brian let into his life because he found her her extremely beautiful, appealing, and patient.

She was schizoaffective, but that didn't bother him. He had learned about it, she was getting help, and he had difficulties of his own. She was helping him with his shyness and he felt loved -- a wonderful feeling. He took a chance and told her all of what he felt were his bad qualities in the beginning because he wanted to be completely honest - and everything was okay with her. When she held his hand and didn't reject him because of his seizure-difficulty, he was in awe. The more time passed, the happier he was. Sue wasn't giving up on him, despite his inexperience; she knew how timid he was.

Sue said she wanted a 'down-to-earth' guy. Brian was serious and thrilled to be in a relationship & learning more about life. Phone calls were nice & unusual (it was also something he wasn't accustomed to); kisses were sweet -- he didn't know how to and liked learning with her; visits made him nervous because he was shy. He didn't know how to be around a woman and was a bit scared. This man never wanted to do wrong and was always looking out for her welfare. Her happiness was always important to him. His asking "Is this okay?" might have been too much, but it was his way. He was 'getting there' and loved her every day.

Early on, Brian let Suzanne know that he would need to be married before he would have a child with someone. He felt that this would always be best.
Sue really liked hearing this. She also knew that he once thought of the idea of adoption, in case they couldn't have their own baby for some reason.

They were a beautiful couple and Brian knew that this was special. He was pleased that his first girlfriend was apparently going to be his only. He never wanted another. He recalls a time in church when he promised Sue "I'll never hurt you." and when the pastor said to him "God bless you and Suzanne." Brian thanked God for Sue frequently.

The future was looking bright; the two had similar ideas about when they would want to get married...have a child...etc. Brian loved the idea of settling down, married life, and fatherhood. Being a loving husband and father was something that interested him deeply. Whenever married, Brian had always had an interest in taking the ladies' last name and wondered what she would have thought of that. He only wanted to give his love to one woman forever and Suzanne was to be it.

The last month in, things suddenly took a turn for the worse in just a few days. He didn't know that she was SO
into drinking and smoking marijuana. Originally, she told him it was just once in a while and he was cool with it. He said that he didn't have an interest because he didn't like chemicals changing his brain (which was already slightly damaged). She told him that was "good and healthy" for him.

In reality, she smoked almost every day and it was the way she was "raised" (whatever that means). After Brian asked just one question, concerning the cost, she scolded him and claimed that he made her uncomfortable. Brian wondered what the big deal was. He knew nothing about that topic or drinking and had questions. He was wondering if it hurt her; he wondered if it might be interfering with her medication for schizoaffective. He didn't even know what it did to a person. He believed that all of that, along with many regular cigs, had to be too much. The only question Brian ever asked was "What if we were living together and we needed the money for something else?" and she replied "I'll just get another job."

Reading up on it, he learned that paranoia was a common result of marijuana usage. Because he loved her so much and he noticed her increasing paranoia, he was concerned. An example was when Brian didn't say "love" during one phone call because he was in such a hurry to catch a bus to college; he just told her quickly that he was walking right out and that he'd talk later. The next day, she said that "when she is expecting something and it doesn't happen, she gets upset". He told her not to worry about that; he would always love her.

He was hoping - never demanding - that she could just try and stop smoking a little. She said that she would since it made her tired (she went to bed around 6:30 all the time) and was expensive. Also, she said she cared about him and was going to work on it for him. Brian said "That's good for you and good for us." They were holding hands during that talk and she said she understood and that she loved me. It was such a special moment and Brian fell even more in love and definitely knew she was right for him. Like he was already her husband, he was going to stick by her and only wanted to help. She never had to stop; he just thought she was using too much, which is what she thought.

He would have had other questions. Things like: "If you're pregnant, can you not smoke & drink at that time?" Any question would have probably upset her; if she feels that someone is trying to come between her and her addictions, she won't stand for it.

Everything then just fell apart when she suspected Brian, a virgin, was cheating on her...with a suicidal pregnant woman that Sue had encouraged him to help. Brian thought "What
does it take for her to know that a man would faithful?" Sue knew who Christina was and even asked about how her pregnacy was going. Brian recalled that he was "sweet" for going to a prenatal appointment with Christina; to him, that was also educational for when he & Sue would have to go for their own child. He even asked if helping that girl was okay and was told that he had nothing to worry about because Sue was "...not the jealous type".

Yet she is. Brian made such a minor mistake of leaving that friend's name on his answering machine. He expected her to call him one night; he had to run out to help another friend, Ruth, move something and just said he was sorry he missed the call. He meant no harm; he didn't even think for a moment that it was wrong. Christina was mentally ill, too, and Brian liked trying to assist others with difficulties because he was learning more about psychology in college and elsewhere. Christina had even told him before that she appreciated that he didn't try to take advantage of her; that Brian was "like a brother".

Brian didn't know the 'rules' of relationships, but definitely understood that cheating is wrong. He even reaffirmed his promise to be true to Suzanne two days before this
event and gave her his "heart" at that time; she accepted.

When he recalled Sue's recent statement of how "When a man cheats on me, I have a one-night stand as a form of retaliation," Brian panicked. He did nothing wrong and hoped Sue wouldn't make a mistake. Yet, Sue was upset and wouldn't talk to him. Without hesitation, she called up Ruth, asking her "Who's Christina?" Sue forgot in a couple days! Brian was at Ruth's; Ruth told her it was the girl from the program; that should have been that,
but Sue still didn't want to talk to Brian.

Calling him eventually, she said "I know we're mad at each other now." and Brian was confused; he wasn't mad. She mentioned that she didn't like that he spent so much time with Christina. He didn't; just talked at times.

Brian was in shock and nothing he could say was good enough. Sue cancelled their trip to the shore that summer; it would would have been fantastic because it would also have been Brian's first real trip & with his only girlfriend. Even if Brian had quickly said "Hey, you wanted me to help that pregnant lady! You said you wouldn't be jealous!" it wouldn't have helped. Nothing would have stopped her from thinking he was a man giving an excuse.

Within a day or so, Sue then tried to contact Ruth's son, telling him that Brian cheated and she wanted to get high and fool around. She was asking him how well he knew Brian; if he was the type to be unfaithful. She knew of how Brian was since the beginning! The man wasn't interested in 'helping' her because he knew of Brian from his mom and how shy he was. To him, Brian was allowed to have female friends and didn't like women who did things like this. Sue evidently told him that "Brian told you to stick up for him." He explained that wasn't true and cursed at her. When she didn't succeed, she moved onto a person she knew...someone she said was too old for her.

All of this time, Sue had many false beliefs that were clouding her judgment. This included the silly idea that Brian never wanted to have a child with her! She misunderstood something he said; "I do have a tendency to read into things," Sue once told Brian. When he told her that she was wrong about him not wanting a child, she just quickly said "I've got to go." and parted. She knew she made a mistake. Sue told him once "I guess I wasn't meant to have kids." and he was looking forward to being with her as a husband someday.

She lost control and wasn't thinking correctly. A virgin wouldn't cheat on his first girlfriend and surely not with a pregnant girl! Once, Sue told Brian that if he ever came out and said that she was cheating without confronting her, the relationship would be over. Yet, she did something similar.

Brian knew of how she really cheated on him, but still couldn't believe it and didn't mention it. He wanted to talk since he loved her; at least for him, the feelings don't go away suddenly. This was a mistake because she misled him for weeks & gave him hope with "I want to be friends...just for a while." and "I need to work on me before I can work on us." Then, she claims that she's seeing somebody, saying "You'll get over me, sweetie. Sometimes, these things don't work out." Very condescending and completely unloving.

The couple met over a similar medical situation and the relationship grew from church-meetings and her willingness to help him with his shyness. She swore to a friend she wouldn't hurt Brian and promised to Brian that she wouldn't leave him because she loved him. What Brian feared the most...sudden abandonment after he trusted someone...came true again with his first love. Everything gone all at once over paranoia, jealousy, and ridiculous ideas. Afterward, Brian thought of how worse it would have been if she behaved that way after they were married and children were involved.

From the relationship, Suzanne will be remembered as Brian's first love and the first to be unfaithful. The one to take his heart, break it within two days, and not care one bit. Brian will be remembered as a kind, decent man who loved his girlfriend and kept his promise to not hurt her. "She wasn't your heart," a friend told him. "You had the love; she didn't."

To Suzanne, when you love someone you take the good and the bad. That's true...but when you love someone, you want to point out that something seems to be causing them problems. Even if she never wanted to hear it, Brian thinks this is a perfect example of how getting intoxicated is causing her to be more paranoid and it is was damaging to something that was good in her life. She lost her child and marriage because of her infidelity and harmed a decent, innocent man; you don't get so jealous that you betray him.

Brian will miss: her physical beauty and telling her that, even when she didn't think so; the enjoyment he felt telling her he loved her and how he felt when he heard it; how her skin felt when he looked into her eyes and touched her face for the first time; her way of telling Brian to 'relax' when he got nervous; buying flowers for the first time on Valentine's Day; looking forward to her phone calls; the process of learning that it was okay to get close & that a woman could like him;
playing football with her young brother Thomas & helping him with the computer.

He loved the night under the stars when she kissed him. "Why did you first kiss me?" he wondered. Sue told him "You know when someone is so sweet that you just want to kiss? Sounds like you want another one." He loved every kiss...and writing down how they were and how much he adored her.

Brian will not miss her instant inability to doubt him and her self-centeredness. He deserved better than that. He had never been with a woman before and she was so insecure. Each day, he went to sleep happy and always believed that whenever something needed talking about, they would discuss it immediately. They both agreed to that. "Suzanne is outrageously over-sensitive," Brian stated. "Men have feelings, too."

They will never be together even as friends because Brian chose to end that once he could think clearer and he fully realized her sudden abandonment, self-medicating, and promiscuous ways. This was still difficult for Brian, since he had never gotten rid of a 'friend'. To be hurt by the first girl to claim to love him is devastating. Brian says that he will keep the pictures he took, but hopes to not see her in person again since he loved her so and she just dropped him like he was nothing, "making a mockery of the relationship".

Brian is disappointed that Suzanne's past mistreatment by men also interfere with her ability to trust. It hurt Brian that Sue would place her habits as number one. There was no reason in the world for her to not talk about it, slow down a bit (which she wanted), and keep their future intact! It shouldn't matter that Brian didn't want to smoke or drink, especially since she said she didn't want him to.

Brian hates the idea of a man getting drunk or high and
physically harming or taking advantage of the woman he loved. Yet, she places herself in such situations. "Sex is not love; anybody can do it," Brian states. With him, Brian knew that Suzanne would always be safe; that no man could hurt her again really made him happy. He is pleased that he didn't take advantage of her when she was high. "She gave me natural highs," Brian says.

Surviving relatives are a child, but only in memory-form: Brian would have asked what Sue thought of "Darren" if it was a boy; "Judith" for a girl. Material items Sue didn't receive: published poetry; items for her apartment; money that was being saved for engagement ring, honeymoon, etc.;
a lifetime of love, hugs, and kisses.

Her mental illness and confused thinking got the best of her. Brian remains single because he loved Suzanne enough to not be with someone right away. Yet Sue got with someone immediately, who didn't love her, and made herself 'happy' with another person and getting high. She'll get hurt again for real by someone and that is so sad.

"I love Sue, by the way." was Brian's favourite statement that he would say at times in conversations with others.
Everyone knows that he definitely did, even though Suzanne lost sight of that.

He has a lot of writings and wrote about Sue all the time. Cute things she said; answers to questions he asked; and how he felt about her. He still cannot understand how someone could be so cold to him, when he was always warm.

He is saddened because he knows that she got high and drank to make hereself get rid of any memories of him. He does hope that she realizes what she lost some day and that she at least sheds a tear. Brian definitely wasn't the worst man she's been with. He cared; Suzanne didn't want that and wasn't used to a man so 'pure'.

He could have used "I loved you & I enjoyed our time together."; "Thanks again for the moments we shared." ANYTHING. He got nothing - and definitely not an apology he deserved.

So, it ultimately wouldn't have worked out between them because getting intoxicated is the most important thing to Sue and Brian would have always thought that she was just causing herself problems and wasting money. She won't want to hear anything like that and, since Brian was interested in psychology, he wanted to help.

Too bad she wasn't honest with him early on and told him that she smoke and drank a lot, not just "once in a while"; that she would "never give it up for anybody"; or that she didn't believe as he did. That confused Brian, too, since she was the one who wanted to take him to church in the beginning. He recalls when she once told him "I hate going to church."

Suzanne became the very reason that Brian is afraid. She abandoned him immediately, even after promising "I
won't, so don't worry. I love you now."

Brian was so confused afterwards. He still wanted to give her things. To tell her that he loved & cared for her; to visit + help her. She's right down the street and it disturbs him. He has so much written that she'll never know and it makes him sad. He wants to cuddle; to love her. He hates thinking that "Forever, I'll never know if she's okay." That someone else would be with the woman who he believed would be his wife really upsets him. He saw her as his partner; mother of his child; and friend. Brian held love in the highest and true love doesn't just end immediately.

Right when things were getting more interesting and Brian loved her even more, it ended. All Brian EVER did that was so "bad": ask Sue questions about something he didn't know; spend time with a pregnant friend that Suzanne encouraged him to. Sue turned out to be very unhealthy for Brian's mental health, even though he told her she was earlier; she never treated him with respect. It's too bad that it didn't end maturely on her end; they could have still been in contact.

Brian had not decided to end it, even though she told Ruth that "It was coming." She was wrong again. He loved and was comitted to this girl. Who knows what other false ideas she was thinking? "Suzanne really needs help," Brian believes, "but she doesn't realize it."

Brian has nothing physical to remember her by. He hadn't thought about it much before, but there isn't a letter; Christmas or birthday gift; or a response to any text message. It was a one-way love.

Ruth said to Suzanne: "He doesn't smoke, drink, or use drugs and he's a virgin." The response was "I know, but I want my weed." How sad.

Shame on Suzanne for her infidelity, deception, and lack of soul.

RIP - Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. This is what happens when you misplace your trust.