I thought I knew him pretty well; after all we had spent a year and a half together. Of course I was away for part of that, and did not know what to expect upon my return, but I had no reason to doubt the relationship. We talked on the phone almost every day, for 2+ hours at a time, and I still have as a reminder close to a hundred emails in my inbox he had sent. It was a mixture of conversation and sex from a distance. I had really been looking forward to seeing him again.
But things weren’t the same when I came back. He had told me how excited he was that I was coming home, but when I got here he never showed it. I was nervous, he was distant and depressed, and things were awkward. But I really thought if we just spent some more time together that would pass, after all we had been friends for a long time and the sex was still great.
Instead it just became the end. For all that time he had been the guy I fantasized about and I had been the girl he fantasized about, it was all of a sudden over. And all I got was that the attraction had lessened, and that was that. Our year and a half long relationship was casually written off in one evening.
I was really hurt. I still am really hurt. I was completely blown off by the one person I cared about the most and I never understood why. I saw him once a couple of months later and I finally got a little more of an explanation, which to some degree has lessened the blow, but not really. The real blow was my friend being gone, not my boyfriend being gone.
Been thinking a lot about what he said, and here’s what I think. I think he sabotaged the whole relationship! His feelings of insecurity, of not deserving things, his fears, of what he thought I needed or didn’t need. I don’t believe that he never cared about me- I know he did; and I don’t believe that he doesn’t care about me now. He said that he felt inadequate being with me, and I think for him it’s easier to not be with me because otherwise he’d have to deal with those feelings. But what do I know right?
I’ve called a few times hoping that we could get past this and maybe be friends again, but I’m doubtful. He wont see me.
I miss him most on Fridays; those were the nights we always spent together. I miss how close we used to be, how much we used to talk. And I miss him touching me. I miss how he used to watch for me at his window when I was on the way over. How he made a music soundtrack for us to listen to together when I came back. So many things remind me of him. Certain music I can’t listen to anymore without bursting into tears. I still cry myself to sleep a lot of nights regardless. I still haven’t gotten used to being home without him here too. But he got used to life without me, and that’s that.
He will be remembered for the good times- going out to breakfast, CD shopping, movies, staying in, hanging with other friends, our trip to Canada, hours and hours on the telephone, emails…
The first time we met was at a bar through a mutual friend- he gave me a ride home that night. And the next day he came to a party I invited him to but showed up hours before I did just because he wanted to see me.
I’ve never loved someone that much.