Cause of death:There was the drinking and drugs, and the ex girlfriend. And my insecurities.After a while-fear of abandonment on my side. On his- always playing the ' I'm leaving you' card.Loosing his job and not knowing what to do with his life.Money problems, his power tripping.Me feeling increasingly more depressed.Me reading into things, he hated that...
    He is my 1st love, he takes over my world and that is all that matters. We are crazy about each other,and talk about growing old together. But it is also a bit too sex, drugs and rock n roll. in the 70s way. We are loving it but then the party ends and neither of us knows how to communicate with each other, we love each other til the end which is even more heart breaking. When it was good it was the best, when it got bad it was unbearable.
    I found him outside a pub at the end of the evening, we hooked up right away. But it was not a love at first sight, he wanted it more at the start but then I fell in love with him.And it was powerful.
    I will always remember his funny dance moves, air guitar, his boyish charm,his long dread locks and the smell of them, his big blue eyes, the sound of motor bike every evening when he arrived home, the weekends we had being with each other only. The big words and promises about us and our future. Great sex, the closeness we had at our hey day.The laugh at the silliest of things. A lot of music.
    And miss everything that he is remembered for.
    The dark side:Him shouting , the way he stopped wanting to be around me, him always leaving, the awful pain it caused, him not wanting to listen to me and blanking me, him ignoring me and hanging up. Feeling really rubbish about myself. Him criticizing the color of my hair, the clothes I'd be wearing, a lot of criticism. His dependency on dope.
    Maybe it is best I will never see him again, it will be impossible to get over him otherwise..?
    Regret that he did not want to try to fix things, that he gave up so early, that he did not think I and We were worth it. That my first love did not last. That we failed.
    There are a lot of common acquaintances to be dealt with later and sensibly.
    I hate you, i wanted to tell him so badly in the end, but i took it back, I'll love him for a long long time.